Sullen v.5



Wow Me Please.

Monday, June 20, 2005

What is my deeeal. I don't know. heh. One minute I'm so disappointed in myself, the next.. feeling on top of the world. Someone might say I'm bipolar, ha, that's what they'd say. No but really, this is only in regard to relationships. Ah yes. The circless I go around in. I was thinking about it today, how I think I come off as "boy crazy" both in this journal and perhaps to friends around me (lately?).. although, I don't think *so*-much to friends around me because I don't regularly spill some details of evolving "things" as I do in this journal. I guess most bothersome now is this co-worker thing.. which I have no interest in.. but it's still there. Someone once told me that I was "a tease," and I really hope that's *not* the case because that's what would be most disappointing to myself. The truth is, maybe I flirt, mostly I'm friendly, but really.. I feel like hardly anyone impresses me anymore. Man.. that's such a frickin' snooty attitude too.. again, disappointment that I can't get over some of my perhaps-unreasonable-expectations. The crazy thing is... I say I have "expectations," but I can't really say *exactly* what those are either. By no means am I looking for someone "perfect," but then again, I guess I *am* as the term "perfect" is a very relative term... a "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" type of perfection.. I'm looking for "those things" that wow me in ways that some might not otherwise consider "wow"-worthy. haha. I feel like I'm not making sense.. anyway.. just clearing my mind.. going on.. I guess I've just been feeling kind of 'blah' about things lately.. there's always random attention.. whatever.. it doesn't matter to me... *I* want something that I can truly care about.. think.. consider.. I don't want to be *woo*ed, I just want to be *wow*ed. And why the hell do I feel disappointed in myself anyway?? Gosh. Because I can't come "down" (not saying that in a negative connotation - those people are sitll GOOD people) to overlook some characteristics that just don't jive well with me? Because I sometimes attract interest that I have no interest in? Ugh. I feel like this sounds pretentious too... so.. forget it. I'm just sick and tired of this. I hate to say it, but I can understand why people marry within their socioeconomic class. I feel like it makes things easier.. unless a person from a different background can see you as "only human" (but of course still nice things that separate you from other "humans")... I don't know.. like I was explaining to a friend: when I dated someone who was from a much more prestigious academic background, much more going on for them (seemingly).. it kind of just took the spotlight off of me and put me more on level ground/understanding with them. And I think that whole "marrying within socioeconomic class"-stuff is crap if two people can somehow overcome the different experiences that come with that, but in some respect it's very challenging. And I'm talking more 'education' now, from my experience, than socioeconomic.. and it's not really education, but just having things going on for them that are very admirable that take away any sort of glorification for things I do/have done. Of course I don't mind being honored, appreciated.. whatever... but some things that feel very *natural* to me, are really "out there" to other people. .. like.. take merely "amibition".. for instance.. some might see me as *very* ambitious, but I'd hope someone could just look at me as not on any extreme, but something very "natural"... "yes we have dreams of where we want to be in our life... yes we really are making that effort almost on a daily basis.. yes I *really* plan to achieve my dreams.."

things like that. and that's a small example, and something I'm sure a lot of people "say"/think, but it's really not "natural" for them either. They aren't necessarily do-ers.. just talk-ers.

anyway. gosh. ok. that's all..... I don't even know where I want to go with this.. it's just to say, I feel dam frustrated sometimes when I start to feel like an oddball among people I otherwise really enjoy the company of... .. ?

so. this is all I have for now.