Sullen v.5



To Post or Not to Post?

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Ok, so I cheated in my little "experiment" here.. because really, that's what this blog is to me in a lot of respects. Writing in this is not really about *needing* to have someone/something to vent to, or to "reflect" with.. trust me.. I do that very well on my own internally all-of-the-time.

Writing things down in this journal is merely to have something to reflect back upon in my future to recognize patterns and/or better understand myself and the patterns that may develop.. to look back on things at another time, another state, not the present.

I've always said that my goal is to be true to myself and write what I feel/think in here, and omit very little... otherwise I won't be able to look back on this journal and have faith that I wasn't writing for any ulterior motives (influencing people, making myself look good/bad, etc?). Hence, no comments - I don't care/want anyone's opinions. I offer e-mail because it takes more effort and the person better *really* need/want to tell me something for them to use it. :P And I appreciate their effort more, and it enables me to not make it the focus of my writing (no one else will read their e-mail, and thus I am not writing for *good* comments to appear).., once in a while I'll hear from someone.. randomly.. that they could relate/offer advice/disagree to something I said.. and again I do welcome/appreciate those things. Among not omiting, not *deleting* anything I write is very important to me as well (which inludes AS I'm writing - also why my posts are generally very long!).. even if I look back on a post and think "oh God this definitely makes me look bad.." .. or.. "man this might really offend __ if they read.." .. or.. "man I'd be so embarrassed if __ read.." .. with that all in mind, I muster what I can to post as honestly as possible, and if I do post.. there's no turning back..


Haha. Now that I've gone dreadfully-on-forever... let me get to the point..

I erased a post. . and honestly, I did it out of a combination of
1) not wanting to offend someone I know might run across it
2) realizing it made me look bad.. (as I will expand on at the end of the re-omitted post)

And that, of course, is a big NO for the rules I try to stick by.

So with that... the erased post, to be fair to myself and those involved in the post:
Title: Where is the love? lol. ugh.

OMG.. I'm having Washington DC withdrawals.. or maybe just FRIENDS withdrawals. Heh. I can't say I wasn't warned about how it would be if I left DC and went back home, and I can't say I'm disappointed with my decision; however, I do miss my friends badly. I only have a few "good friends" in town right now, despite "new friends" at work.. but I wouldn't consider them good friends. And it's a real bummer when my *good* friends flake on me, particularly one. Typically I wouldn't be angry either, or maybe a little, but not as much... because I'd have alternative plans.. or at least I could have *thought* of something if it wasn't something that I thought would be fun and put-off planning.. but now the frickin' night is passing me by and my could-have-been-great-sat. is rather depressing because NO ONE is at my house, other friend is in Phx.. other friend is working late.. and other friend is MIA after making plans. lol. oh well. It's half humorous to me. Frankly though, it pisses me off. I just don't think I'd ever make plans with someone and then completely forget about them.. or if something changed (and that has happened several times on my fault), I'd at least definitely apologize and let them know.. hopefully so they'd have time to make alternative plans. Guess people are different though, and my expectations just always get the better of me. al-ways.

.. after posting that, and receiving a phone call 5 minutes later.. I felt pretty ashamed. Mostly because I was pretty irrate over nothing, and the truth is, I should have known better that this friend.. lol.. who I was thoroughly pissed off with (mostly out of my own dying need to get out of my house and being stalled out of slower communication than *I* wanted at the time..).. that he really, in fact, has never let my expectations get the better of me. I'm really glad to have him as such a great friend in my life, and I felt pretty silly afterwards for being so impatient/angry. So I erased the post out of my own will to look better, and also not to offend. I hope this follow-up; however, explains how really wrong I was to jump to any conclusions. I think that post is also important to re-publish, because I later reflected on it and couldn't believe how crazy I was getting over a couple of hours.. and I think it may be because of how much I'm still really hurting inside as far as having lost faith/trust in people that are close to me.. particularly guys. I really need to work on restoring that somehow, because it's just not healthy to be so pent up with anger that I thought was resolved. At any rate, the good people that I do have in my life.. whether they know it or not, they're the ones helping me work through that.. to get back to some sort of confidence/trust, I'm sorry that they sometimes get the backlash of misdirected anger, and really, I am thankful to have them.