Sullen v.5




Friday, June 03, 2005

Sometimes I think I'd make a good marriage counselor. Heh. Maybe not all parents/couples fight (although I think all do), but my parents definitely do have their fights, and unfortunately I end up becoming involved in it because I can't *NOT* say anything when it begins to escalate. My dad got really upset at me when I got pissed off with the way their conversation was going (as I was listening in the background), and jumped in and told my dad that he was "an embarrassment".. maybe I didn't tell it.. I yelled it.. and maybe a few other things, like "you're crazy." Thereby making the situation worse because my dad felt like I was ganging up on him, and my mom had more leverage to argue, and now my dad was angry at *me* for intervening. To give my dad some credit in his argument, I really shouldn't have said anything because it was between *them* and not me.. but he was pretty rude back saying that if I didn't like it, or couldn't leave them be, that I could move out. Then I said..
"if that's the case, then I guess I need to move out because it hurts me too much to hear you guys. . and if I don't move out, then I need my car to work so that I can leave.. if you don't want to hear what I have to say.. or where I think you're wrong.. or being antagonizing.. then God help you and I'll leave.. because I personally can't deal with it." .. about that time I just wanted to bawl.

And my dad *was* being antagonizing. Sometimes he gets on these weird ego trips where he just starts being very pushy in the way he talks to people, and I've *never* been one to just take it.. and when my mom does take it.. I stand up and fight for her. Like I told him too, "I'm sorry but I can't just sit back and watch someone I love be pushed around.."

so anyway. To give my dad credit again, he listens to what I say. Sometimes I feel like he'll never *learn* from what I say, but I can tell he wants to.. and that he's willing to back up and apologize (as long as I'm willing to admit where I may have been wrong too in my 'assumptions'.. which I'm willing to do.. "yes I was out of context in understanding the whole situation, but I had a pretty good idea..".. "yes I should not have aggressively jumped in as I did"). My dad thinks I'm always "ganging up on him", but I feel I'm pretty accurate in the calls I make.. and I give him credit that my mother has a problem too of walking away from a situation, or when my dad wants to talk it out.. she walks away.. I don't believe in that. My dad has a problem of being too aggressive/demanding explanations in his talk.. and that drives me crazy because I think it's disrespectful and rude.
And although my dad at first told me he wanted me to butt out of the situation, he also said that he *didn't* want me to "just leave" if I couldn't handle it. Which upon I asked, "Ok then, what *can* I do when something is bothering me?" .. and it was kind of weird because he didn't even know at first.. then suggested I gently come up to them and ask for both of them to stop arguing.

Why the marriage counselor thing.. heh.. just that I end up speaking between both of them sometimes. My mom was long-gone by the time I was having this lengthy conversation with my dad.. at some points bawling.. yelling.. etc. Ugh. There's always this extra stress when I come home.. it seems like they don't argue until *I* come home or something, except their arguments don't even have to do with me. It's weird.

Anyway. I ended up talking to my dad for about an hour.. explaining where he went wrong.. giving him credit where I think my mother was wrong.. where I was wrong.. but how he should resolve the situation.. helping him see why *I* would bother to intervene, my interpretation of how the conversation was going.. and at the end we both say we're sorry and hug. It's kind of messed up, because it hurts me *so* bad to deal with this shit.. I hate when my parents argue, and especially when my dad goes on something I like to call a "rampage" where he's inadvertently (? so-he-says) picking on little things that causes *me* to boil over in the background while my mom just takes it with -some- arguing back (escalating their fight) which upon I snap and yell at whoever I think is causing the argument to escalate (in this case I felt it was my dad being a bully).
And now I'll probably have to talk with my mother the same way. "You shouldn't just walk out on dad when he's trying to apologize.." .. "Dad did do things such as __ and __ that I can see made you angry, and aren't 'OK' for him to do, but he at least is willing to realize these things, and you need to be willing to communicate with him when he backs up and attempts to realize where he went wrong.. instead of just walking out.. so that he can hopefully learn to not make the same mistakes in the future."

Seriously. I just don't think I should have to do this either. It makes me so angry. Because this *still* is not resolved since my mother walked out angry, my dad is at least willing to *not* be angry when she comes home.. even if she still is (as a result of my talk with him).. and hopefully I'll be able to learn in the future to not just jump in and come to someone's defense, but let them both know how it's bothering me in a more calm manner.. because I really did just snap, and I can't say it's the first time.

Wow. Ok. So I guess that's it. Ironically, here's a post I typed about marriage BEFORE this whole ordeal (finished it just before this whole thing between my parents went down):

I've already met the person I'm going to marry. A weird thought, but something I expressed while on the lake house trip with my friends. They were talking about guys (inevitably a good majority of conversation when hangin' w/ some of your best girl friends), and how they feel that they personally don't think that they have met "the one" yet. I think it was sometime this year that it struck me that I think I *have* met the person I'm going to marry.. either that or I'm never going to marry. Haha. I don't know why I think this. It's not that I have any clue *who*, just some sort of weird feeling about it. Kind of like the feeling I had about going to DC - something just felt "right" about it, and no matter what anyone tried to tell me.. it was already inevitable that I was going to go (despite my own back-of-the-mind reservations) because there was some sort of "fulfillment of destiny" to the feeling. Also like the feeling I had about Pepp*. I acted like I had no clue about where I was going to college, but as my mom once told me, "you always knew you were going to choose Pepp." I looked at *so* many colleges after seeing Pepp*, went to several other colleges to take examinations/interviews for potential scholarship awards (winning all of them), and I still went to Pepp* despite them offering me the least amt. of incentives to go in comparison to the other univ's (although *enough* incentive/$$ :P). But I feel equally strong about both: I've already met the person I'm going to marry.. or I'm never going to marry. Both kind of curious thoughts. And anyway.. I could be totally wrong because there are many 'new' great people I meet daily.

On another subject, pertaining more to values, a friend gave me this book and told me to "read the first paragraph" because those are the conditions I told him in which I would decide if I would continue reading a book. It said:

"Dear friend, I am writing to you because she said you listen and understand and didn't try to sleep with that person at that party even though you could have. Please don't try to figure out who she is because then you might figure out who I am, and I really don't want you to do that. . . I just need to know that someone out there listen and understands and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist. I think you of all people would understand that because I think you of all people are alive and appreciate what that means. At least I hope you do because other people look to you for strength and friendship and it's that simple. At least that's what I've heard."

And the conclusion to the story, which surprisingly came back to the intro:

"But first, I want to thank you for being one of those people who listens and understands and doesn't try to sleep with people even though you could have. I really mean it, and I'm sorry I've put you through this when you don't even know who I am, and we've never met in person, and I can't tell you who I am because I promised to keep all those little secrets. I just don't want you to think that I picked your name out of the phone book. It would kill me if you thought that. . . and I saw a girl in class, who didn't notice me, and she talked all about you to a friend of hers. And even though I didn't know you, I felt like I did because you sounded like such a good person. The kind of person who wouldn't mind receiving letters from a kid. The kind of person who would understand how they were better than a diary because there is a communion and a diary can be found. . .I'm so sorry that I wasted your time because you really do mean a lot to me and I hope you have a very nice life because I really think you deserve it. I really do. I hope you do, too. Okay, then. Goodbye."

That from the book I read on the airplane. And I was just reminded about it recently when a conversation with another friend about virginity came up.. and I thought of that passage in the book and how the guy expressed a respect for this person who "doesn't try to sleep with people even though [they] could have." Just because my friend and I both expressed how this year has been oddly stressful in that respect. A lot of 'temptation' I guess you could say. I just thought that passage put it really nicely... and was happy that a different friend thought to give it to me.