Sullen v.5




Thursday, June 02, 2005

Damn it.

I'm sorry.. but that's seriously how I feel right now.. yeah that about sums it up in two words.

I don't know what this is, but I'm feeling so incredibly *frustrated*, and I'm honestly not sure what it's about.. probably numerous things. Frustrated is the exact right word too.

I couldn't fall asleep last night until some ridiculous hour, and then my frickin' dad has issues with speaking at the top of his voice in the morning.. waking me UP at 6 in the morning! And what gets me so furious is that he "accidentally" spoke SO loud in the morning YESTERDAY waking me at 6/7 in the morning. So basically I have serious jet-lag still and am getting really pissed off with my lack of sleep... on top of being incredibly frustrated and WANTING to sleep for the very reason that there's been too much on my mind lately. And then when I wake up I can't seem to fall asleep again! Damit!

So now I'm blassssssstiiing my music on headphones trying to wake my ass up, but I am *so* exhausted that it doesn't seem to be helping. I feel like crying... I feel like I'm falling into a depression.. really need to be careful here.. a lot of it has to do with mindframe, speaking from experience. I shouldn't be so frustrated with this as it's inevitable coming from such an incredible high... there's no such thing as being at some sort of 'equilibrium'-high forever... the lows have hit. *sigh* It might just be a transition thing.. things will feel better with a little more time.

My car died on me last night as I was going to visit Der*.. kind of funny because his car recently died on him too so I was going to pick him up. The good news is it seems to be working fine now.. since I was pretty certain it was just a battery issue, and my dad powered it up and whatnot (car things I don't know about), so it appears good to go now. Hopefully it stays that way.
Called Ky* back, plans to hangout sometime but he works a lot so who knows. My sister has her own apartment in town now, and I'll probably stop by and check it out (today). ..also talked to Davi* last night which was bittersweet.. suggested coming out to visit me in Cali*, but I almost consider it ridiculous-talk even though his best friend goes to a nearby univ. so he could see him too. And anyway.. I just can't see myself putting my life (or his) on hold in some sort of weird hope of reviving anything.. if it's ever meant to be in the future, it'll happen.. that's my fatalistic outlook on it. This situation is markedly similar to Ch*, a guy I dated locally a little bit before heading back out to Pepp* junior yr.. and I'm pretty scared I'm going to bump into him here in town .. lol.. wow.. that would be awkward. . I've already bumped into a few random people here in town who either know and/or recognize me (one being a girl who goes to my church.. who had the nerve to tell me I "actually don't go there" because I'm only really in town during the summer... and the other being that cute banker guy.. haha.. *cracks up* I don't seriously want him to notice me back, I just think he's cute and that's where it ends.. and my business there will probably be ending soon too since BofA has offered to give me a great deal to invest in their services.. even though their services actually suck too, but I just want the better of the two sucky services for various reasons.. and that's assuming I can muster the finances necessary for the deal, I think I can.. barely.. and it means I'll have to cut way-back on spending, but all good in the big picture.. looking at graduation and loans pretty soon).

Wow I think that may be the longest ( ) I've ever done.