Sullen v.5



been drifting for so long

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

You've been gone for so long,
all that you know has been shuffled aside
as you bask in the glow
of the beautiful strangers that whisper your name...
do they fill up the emptiness?

Larger than life is your fiction, in a universe made up of one.

'Cause you have been drifting for so long, I know you dont want to come down.
but somewhere below you there's people who love you
and they're waiting for you to come home.
please come home.

Sarah McLachlan - Drifting

.. a song that really captured the moment, among others that wrenched at my heart, as I came home on the bus. This was one of the more uplifting songs from Sarah McLachlan's Afterglow CD (which I haven't listened to in a while), but the others were really bittersweet.. I couldn't help but think of "what-ifs," but quickly tried to suppress that type of thinking at the same time. It's time to go home.. it just is that way.. and I'm happy to be home, but at the same time, being home feels very odd right now. There's a lot on my mind that I can't shake at the moment, so I'm just going to have to work through it on my own.

The lake house trip was wonderful.. great times with friends.
My trip was safe, and I managed to bump the flight times up which was nice. I read an entire book from beginning to end: The Perks of being a Wallflower that a friend gave me to pass the time on the flight (and also serves as "an excuse to visit next yr." when he starts law school at Pepp*). It was kind of an odd book in hindsight, but I appreciate it. Some of the greatest gifts people can sporatically give me is a burned CD of their favorite music or a book they really enjoyed.. I don't know.. I guess it helps me understand the person who gave it to me better, and also have an open mind to an author's perspective. Otherwise my trip was a little disturbing on several aspects I won't get into. heh. I've come to accept that traveling as a female, alone, "disturbing" things may happen... but man.. sometimes I just wonder "what-the-hell".. honestly. I was happy to get back, but unfortunately the first person to greet me was a strange man who *insisted* on helping me with my luggage, then asked for money, then started lecturing me on the injustices this world has served him (which I 150% agreed with.. and feel equally atimate about).. but I didn't have money with me right-off, and I had to make a choice
1) give him money and he goes on his way.. a little better off
2) pull out money and he takes out a gun and demands *all* of it
3) give him money and he goes to spend it on liquor (his eyes were very watery)

Fortunately my mom pulled up at the moment he was getting perturbed with my no-money answer, and then my mom was kind of rude when she saw her daughter in the midst of being harassed for money by a strange man.. and anyway. It really struck me wrong when he walked away and said .. "yeah you have a nice life." (scoffing).

It reminded me of the movie Crash.. a lot (which I recently saw at the lake house, and it was *excellent*). About the choices we have to make.. and how we make them.. karma.. all of the things I took from the movie (one of those movies where my friends and I ended up talking about it for 30 min. afterwards on the drive home).

As I was later taking a shower, the scenario just kept replaying in my head.

I had decided he was drunk and in that state too scary to give money to. 1) Being drunk he may demand *more* money... 2) I don't want to support him with more money for alcohol.. etc.

but how was it my call to decide he was drunk?? Just because he was watery eyed.. yes.. but man.. I don't know.. I just couldn't get over it.

And that *wasn't* something "disturbing" to me as much as it troubled me.

Have a nice life.

Maybe it was a test by God.. maybe I should have helped him out.. maybe we need to do this once in a while for each other and not be so skeptical. sigh. I don't know. It just wasn't a good way to feel welcomed "home", at all.

anyway. I'm home. Safe. Things are relatively good. A lot on my mind (it's funny because I noticed on the bus trip home that I start thinking in poetry when I'm in intense thought.. it's really weird but kind of nice).. but I'm going to try and keep the buzzing thoughts quiet.. I just need it to be that way right now.

My friend was right when he told me he thought it was good I was coming home to "rediscover myself" (something I expressed I needed to come home to do because I couldn't find the right words for what I mean).. albeit he also thought I should stay longer, and that I should "go have a summer fling" (kind of contradictory). I'm actually over the fling-thing now, which I also expressed to him.. having kind of already jumped into that situation already, which only left me not feeling that great (and maybe surprised him a little, but at least I was honest).. I hate it.

ok. off to sleep. very very tired and I'm definitely rambling with thoughts right now. night.