Sullen v.5



What can I say?

Monday, May 16, 2005

What can I say..

I went to this Chinese restaurant w/ my aunt last night, and my fortune cookie was very unusual: "The Chinese ancient civilization attracts you."

I kind of chuckled at the irony right away. My aunt thought it was naturally odd, because fortune cookies will normally say something very general like, "Your smile brings warmth to the hearts of many" or "You will make change for the better" (what my fortune cookie stated last week when I had Chinese food). Not to be superstitious, but my fortune cookie is quite fitting, considering I have been thinking a lot about the Asian culture in general.. and how I wish I knew more about it (one reason why I really would like to live there for a little while, sometime). It happens that a good amount of my friends are directly from some Asian decent (now that I think of it, all of my roommates have been Asian up until this year), and that most recently, this semester, I have actually found myself in quasi-relationships with guys of this background. I've been thinking about it particularly because of this sudden pattern developing, where I could reciprocate other 'advances' (you could say), but have only done-so to a great degree when they have been Asian (oh Lord.. I really hate typing about this right now, but it's only fair that I recognize this here..). So now I have to analyze this, because I'm baffled. It certainly can't be any psychological "safe"-factor because (even most recently) I was shocked at how let down I was, and while we at least tried to make ammends.. in the end there were too many things to shake. And it might be due to mere attraction, but it's not to say I'm not attracted to others aside from Asian (and certianly not attracted to *all* Asians).. haha.. ahh.. anyway.. interesting too because this is the topic my other friend/quasi-relationship wrote a paper on, and he had me edit it (looking back I wonder if he was trying to tell me something, but I doubt it).. how women of different ethnicities select who they are attracted to, and why it is primarily a conflict for the Asian culture as their family expectation, I guess, is for them to date/marry within their own ethnicity. And I think our temperaments are generally similar. My friend, Da*, agreed when I jokingly said once, "sometimes I think I should have been born Asian.." I especially realized similar values in my cross-cultural psy. class, such as a certain type of work ethic, honor/dignity, approaching friendship.. other things..

And so here I am again. I guess you could say I'm dating this new guy, or just going 'out'?, and I have recently discovered that he was born in China but has been living in the U.S. for most of his life. Other than that, we have a lot in common and he has a lot of qualities that I find attractive .. and that's honestly it's a little scary for me. I also have to question my (and his) motivation, knowing very well that I'm set to leave on the 28th. I have every means to change this date if I'd like, and several people are pushing me to stay longer in the summer (including him), but I really feel like my time is done here.. I'm ready to go home.

It was an interesting and fun time this weekend though, definitely.