Sullen v.5



"Out of the depth that fills my mind.."

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

I have issues. Gosh. Last night I had this serious feeling of penitence after an old song by Tonic, "Head on Straight," came on over my head phones. I don't know how it got to me like it did, but it really made me reflect how I've been lately. . I guess you could say that it made me fully realize how lately my life has been moving in a direction that is gradually becoming tainted, and that while I have no problem having fun, I have to be careful to not lose values that have always been, and still are, very important to me.

"...I struggled all my life with empty moments
The shadow of a hole I'd never fill
Any happiness I had was empty
It wasn't good enough, I wanted love

I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again

I don't want to think of life without you
I don't want to take a step alone
It scares me to think I almost lost you
Just let me know you're fine, I'm on the line..."

heh. I don't know. I guess it's been a couple of days and I've been reflecting, looking back on some things and wondering what the heck I was thinking.. or why -wasn't- I thinking more? Having not heard from him in a couple of days is also bothersome, but then again, he could simply be playing his cards exactly right if this is purposeful (except I don't think he'd think that?), because I know I'd be annoyed if he was calling immediately.. one of my -biggest- turn-offs is when a guy is too clingy/cally, but at the same time, I still need them to take most of the initiative as far as calling (no wonder guys will never get girls huh?).. however "Cait's* guy", as we call him, has called her -twice-.. except she won't pickup. (Background info: Unfortunately when we went out, his "friends" ended up only being one good friend, and I had begged my good friend to come along.. so it ended up being more like a double date, but I/she never intended for it to workout like that. Him and I were kinda preoccupied hanging out together, and while we tried to include them in conversation.. it would somehow deter into a personal conversation between us). Anyway. This other guy is not her type (lol, although she is not opposed to *my* guy, but he's mine.. back-off.. kidding! ;P ) and she doesn't want to talk.. I told her, "that's interesting that 'your guy' (joking) has called twice already, because 'my guy' hasn't at all.." and she replied, "that's because he's normal!".. haha.. maybe she's right? It's just the post-date scenario, wondering how it went and what he's likewise thinking.. any why hasn't he called.. even though I kind of like that he hasn't called... .. man.. thinking of the possibilities can drive me crazy, *deleted* so I try not to.. ugh.. just gives me insight into how high my interest is. "Should I call?... nono.. he'll call.. be patient.." I guess making myself emotionally avaiilable is very difficult, and for some reason I've already crossed that brige, it's too late to turn back, but too early to be 'hurt' by anything, really. And for whatever reason I thought, being 'young and whatever', that I can just date around for fun, but as it turns out, I don't *like* doing that, even though it has happened because some friendships have evolved into them wanting to pay/'real date'-situation.. but yeah, I just don't feel right about it, even though I have always made it pretty clear that I'm not dating anyone exclusively. Turns out my other friend, who got really sick.. is still sick.. and I guessed what he had, after talking for a few min. and asking about his symptoms.. *chuckles* he said he didn't know what it was initially, then had to back-up when I figured it out and said.. ".. I didn't want to tell you." man. I like it when people are upfront with me, otherwise I usually end-up figuring it out intutively (not to give myself too much credit..) .. at *least* he was honest about not wanting to tell me, even though he was kinda stuck with me feeling strongly about what it was... anyway.. nothing against him at all, but him and I probably won't be hanging out for a long while (if not for the remaining of my stay here), is my guess. And truthfully I'm really thankful this happened the day we were supposed to go out so that I didn't catch it, although I do still feel sorry for him.. being *very* sick is not fun.

So I'm just going to chill for the week and a half I have left here.. make the best of it, keep my chin up, and first and foremost not lose sight of what's important to me.