Sullen v.5



Nothing but the truth

Monday, May 09, 2005

It's been about 2 days and already I feel a great deal of internal tension rising .. quite honestly I believe it to be a result of missing people. ugh. A friend of mine told me before they all left, "You're going to be *soo* bored once we all leave..", and I didn't think he would be right since Aar* is still here, some other Univ* friends, and other Pepp* friends should be arriving soon; however, I think he was more than right because it doesn't have to do with 'just people' being around.. but I want -those- particular people back. I think the first week or two is always the hardest, figuring out what to do with myself now that the way I do things (who I hangout with, how I get to work, where I live.. etc.) have been mixed up. To top it all off.. .. this always happens to me, and I might be called 'oblivious to love' (although I think the word 'love' is a little too strong in this instance), but I don't always realize which particular people I may have liked more than I would credit them at the time. I'm keeping this as vague as possible in the off-chance one of them randomly finds this, because it's still not something that I would tell them now that I *definitely* know (due to a variety of reasons), but I wish we had more time here together, because we definitely had a good friendship developing and I wonder what could have evolved.. I do feel that the 'something more'-factor was there, but I also felt (when opportunities were right there and I either couldn't find a srong initiative or backed away) like I'm still at ground zero with earlier incidents that hurt me. He seems -different- from others, but who knows anymore.. I kind of feel my confidence is really lacking these days, but at the same time.. I'm feeling ready to get back out there and restore my faith in men (haha.. gosh.. is it sad that I'm humored by that thought?)... I have a semi-fresh start, so why not?

we'll see.

Other random words from yesterday: "Under this influence you need have no fear of being hurt or rejected again. Rather you have the opportunity of recognizing and accepting such old wounds. The love and understanding of your partner can help you, if you are bold enough, to acknowledge and admit to your vulnerability. Trust in the fact that despite your wounds you can still be loved."

It's an overall nice consideration at least.

At any rate. This is my first week of full-time work (now that classes are done), I'm doing my best to adjust to this new lifestyle.. looking forward to seeing Cait* and hopefully having good times with old friends + potential new... I want to take advantage more of the DC area (museums and such) and my 21ness. ;) Fortunately I think the majority of my friends who will be here this summer have finally hit that mark, so we can enjoyy ourselves.. whereas the last group mostly had summer bdays.. but.. we still had good times together, it just wasn't about going out-out all the time.

anyway. I hope I stay busy for the rest of my short stay here.. and I hope my differences w/ my somewhat OC relative will begin to mesh. It's always about overcoming any initial expectations and beginning to appreciate her for her individual quirks and how they make her a good person.. because no one's perfect (definitely myself included in that), and I know that she has an extremely sweet and caring heart.. that, first and foremost, is what I see in her. I just think she still thinks of me as a baby since that is when she saw me most, and never in my dreams would I think I'd end up living with her for a short while someday.. but here I am.. and I am going to make the best of it. She has given me a place to stay (for *free*), drives me to the metro and picks me up from there for work (telling me to call her 'whenever' to pick me up.. although she still wants to know *where* I am.. which I can understand), and bought me any groceries I wanted last night.. but I definitely bought a minimal amount since I didn't want to take advantage of her graciousness (because she won't take money from me), and plans to take me shopping to so many different places tonight (haha, although I *will* be spending my money in that case). She is truly a giving and -very- caring relative, and despite a few very OC things, I can definitely get along with her. :)

wow.. ok.. back to my fabulous 'work' here (slow day).