Sullen v.5



"Maybe all that's left is just to live"

Monday, May 23, 2005

The past two days marked my final weekend in Washington DC. I really wanted to make the most of it and see all of the different things I haven't yet had the opportunity to get to yet (particularly the National Archives); however, the lines to get in were so long that I didn't bother trying for the third time. Instead I walked into the nearby National Sculpture Garden and sat on a bench. The last time I attempted to go to the Archives I ended up going with my friend and just sat on the benches (since we mutually didn't want to wait in the line), and he took a picture of this freaky statue that reminds me of the rabbit from Donnie Darko. I guess it's just not meant to be that I get into this museum.. all of my friends have just "walked right in" when they do get in, so I refuse to wait in the hour + line.. and I don't really need to see the Constitution/Bill of Rights to believe it exists..haha. I don't know. It's not that I don't appreciate it, but I just go because I feel like I *should*.. not necessarily because I want to. I'd much rather go to the National Gallery of Art and look at paintings, or spend my day sitting in the garden reading, resting, and thinking. It really was a day of serenity. It was a gorgeous sunny day -- a beautiful bride posed for pictures along her brides maids and grooms men, children ran across the fountain walls, old friends gathered to chat.. . . I read a book and often just people-watched or thought about things going on in life.. One particular thought focused on how interesting it was that the book I am reading marks a certain way of life I have experienced, in many respects, and how wonderful it was to be away from that and instead be showered with the gentle mist blown from the fountain. . while merely reading about that way of life, and thanking God that I'm not in the mix of it all at the moment.

I'm struggling a great deal with decisions lately.

Of course, no surprise to this journal, among these decisions is relationships and to what extent I want to be involved. Davi* finally called on friday, although I did not get his message until sat. as I was having a blast with Cait* and other Pepp* friends on fri. I spent most of the day with Cait* & friends on Sat, and the plan was to hangout with Davi in the evening.. although I am constantly weary of the situation at hand.. too much attraction and too little long-term focus makes motivation to continue seeing each other extremely questionable.. on both sides. I mean, there should be some sort of closure.. it doesn't seem right to just cut someone off you have developing-feelings(?) for because of the 'moving'-factor.

At any rate.. after seeing Star Wars with friends, I was planning to go onward and meet Davi*; however, my friends gave me a huuuge guilt-trip about going.. they wanted me to stay with them that evening.. and man.. it seriously was a tough decision, and one metro station away from continuing-on, I decided that I wouldn't go meet Davi* afterall and spend the night with my friends since one of them was turning 21 and I felt it more of my responsibility to be there for her bday since she's increasingly becoming a good-friend of mine.. and I could tell she was going to be angry if I passed on going with them.... man.. but I had been looking forward to going out with Davi all week, and he had already been waiting a while for me. I felt terrible about ditching Davi (called immediately to apologize), but I knew I had made the right decision.
I'm glad I made that decision because as much as I was (really) disappointed that I wasn't going to see Davi again, I really do value my friendships first and foremost... my loyalties to them before any guy, any day. ;) They really can be such brats sometimes though with their guilt-trips (like trying to convince me to *not* go to DC.. even though I knew in my heart it was the best things for me to do, and I kept telling them this.. but they made me feel like I was "ditching" them), and I don't let them rule my decisions, but I love them for caring so much to keep me around (haha, honestly I don't know why they care so much.. maybe because *I* naturally would care that much to keep them around if it were them trying to leave..) ... and it all did workout, because Davi* was fortunately understanding and I think we plan to hangout sometime this week afterall. . except of course there's still that "What's the point?"-thought, but then closure.. hopefully.. of some sort, will be good.

Secondly, decisions about life post-college are throwing me into somewhat of an internal panic-state. I need to start *really* thinking about what I want to do.. and although I'm entertaining many thoughts, I don't feel very confident about any of them... .. ugh... more on this later.

I'm looking forward to coming home, as much as there are a lot of 'good things' here for me right now. I'm really tired of my job here. I love my home in the summer, and it will be wonderful to catch up with old friends.