Perhaps it makes me secure to read something that I can in-fact *really* relate to. Maybe it helps me not feel so lonely or 'weird'.. kind of like an, 'ahha!.. someone else knows!' Maybe this shows a need, on my part, to feel truly "understood" by people. I've always hated being misinterpreted, and moreso when I feel people don't have an accurate perception of who I am...
at any rate.. whatever it is..
I feel silly turning to such things as astrology to see what might be there, to give them my birth time and see how accurately their results match to my own perception..
and I think I've mentioned the astro.com site before, the one that uses psychology aspects (such as Carl Jung) in their study.. and I really think their site gets it best..
Although, truthfully, I can't say I accept it as a scientific study/understanding *at all*, but I like to use what they say, nonetheless.. because its all laid out for me, so simple, and some things enlightening in that I can see them as very accurate.
This particular blip on relationships was something *huge* that I could identify with:
"...The subtleties of human relationships can pose a big problem to you, because emotional conflicts can't be solved by logic and high ideals alone. Aquarians are often embarrassed by emotions, and find them distasteful both in themselves and in others. You're proud and self-controlled, and displays of emotion are seen as a weakness. That doesn't mean you're unfeeling. Far from it. You have an immense capacity for devotion and loyalty. But in the end, logic, self-control and idealism usually win, and that can mean ruthless suppression of, or dissociation from, unpleasant emotions like jealousy, aggression, neediness and anger.
Aquarians often have a gift for analysis of the human temperament, and many reach prominence in the psychological field. Everything about human motivation is clear and obvious to your penetrating, concise mind. And there is often a wonderful capacity to understand and feel detached compassion for even the most frightful behaviour in others. This is why you can talk to all kinds of people from every walk of life, and find something interesting and worthwhile in all of them.
The trouble is, the closer the relationship, the harder it gets for you to express personal feelings. You know what you think you feel, what you think you ought to feel, what you think you should and shouldn't feel, and what you think others think about what you think you feel...Well, it can all get very fraught in the sphere of intimate relations. You're capable of sacrificing your life for a loved one, yet you can forget to say, "I love you". A partner's need for flattery, sentimental displays of affection, and emotional and sexual reassurance may entirely elude your brilliant but often blind intellect...."
Haha. That last part especially makes me laugh. sooo true.. always thinking like that! What do I feel? What should I feel? What do others think about this? .. etc etc. It's really draining in fact, and I need to get beyond that in many ways.
And finally.. this.. which is very leeeeeeeeeengthy.. but definitely captures me:
Sun in Aquarius, Moon in Aries
Your nature is essentially firm and quiet without much self-expression. Yet a great deal of determination can be read into your silence. Your will is exceptionally strong, and you must have things your own way. You often go to extremes in exerting your will over others. Your perceptions are highly acute, and you are an accurate judge of human nature. Your abilities lie in investigating, coordinating, and synthesizing, which you use to achieve a personal understanding of the truths of the world.
In love you remain independent; however, your feelings are easily aroused. Here, too, you want to take the lead in establishing the course of the relationship.
The key to a more harmonious self lies in learning to submit to working and cooperating with others, even though it is difficult for you to accept a subordinate position.
Ascendant in Sagittarius, Jupiter in the First House
At the time of your birth the zodiacal sign of Sagittarius was ascending in the horizon. Its ruler Jupiter is located in the first house.
Sagittarius rising denotes lives which are very dualistic; situations come and go as if divided into two sides - success and failure.
If you are able to raise the interests of your mind from common and trivial things to more profound subjects, your intellect will become very philosophical and attracted by law and peace, and it will be more intuitive than rational. In any case your life will be colored by impulsive and rather stubborn tendencies on your part, creating some inclination to go to extremes,
During the course of your existence you must try to develop intuition and human understanding so that you may be in a position to assist other people with your advice.
Sagittarius gives you a rather strong love of nature and makes you somewhat extroverted, demonstrative and passionate, falling in love frequently and without reservations. You are an intellectual, an intelligent person who has been fortunate enough to be granted also a good development of the emotional functions.
Your romantic life will be intense and varied. Your object of love may find you difficult to understand. In one aspect you will appear as passionate and energetic but because of the mutability of the sign you will also have an opposite tendency that will lead you away from involvement in the love affair and the latter impulse will be caused by a more inner trait, which is personal freedom.
Generally speaking, the sign of Sagittarius will incline you to exist in environments in which your physical body, emotions and thoughts are allowed total freedom for development. On a higher intellectual level you may find yourself inclined to dwell in the deep complexities of philosophy, metaphysics, religion and law. You are versatile enough to study more than one discipline simultaneously not forgetting to keep your body in physical movement, since you require both intellectual and physical exercise.
The general meaning of this position is that any success in life will be achieved through personal effort and merit. There is also a tendency for dignity and respectability caused by your strength of temperament.
You give an impression of spontaneity, frankness, and good disposition. Your temperament is innately honest, truthful, kind and courageous.
Venus in the First House
Venus is in the first house. This is a strong position for Venus, for it adds charm to your personality and gives you an amiable and pleasant disposition.
You concentrate a great deal on your appearance and even if you are not especially beautiful or handsome, you have a quality of softness and friendliness, which endears you to many.
You like to keep beauty and grace around you as much as possible. You have a strong affinity with nature and prefer the quiet life of the country to the plastic constructions of city life.
It is likely that you grew up in an atmosphere of warmth and congeniality. Now it is easy for you to project these same feelings to family and friends, and others often count on you to restore peace in difficult situations.
You have strong inclinations toward music, art and drama and you may wish to cultivate a form of artistic expression.
You work very hard to get along with others, and you usually try to win arguments with diplomacy rather than force. You must learn to be self-assertive when necessary and to stand up for your own rights, forcefully if need be. Otherwise, people will not have much respect for you. (I have definitely learned this... maybe to an extreme though.. I take serious charge of a situation if I feel like I'm being stepped on by an 'authoritarian' figures..)
Relationships are important to you, and you often go out of your way to initiate them. It is vital that your associations remain harmonious, because quarrels and disputes affect you adversely.
Neptune Conjunct Ascendant
The conjunction of Neptune to the Ascendant shows that you are very sensitive and perhaps psychic. Your grip on the real world is loose; you need to grasp it more firmly.
You are so physically sensitive to the injustices you observe in society that they can easily make you ill. Because your environment has such a powerful effect, you should try to make some contribution to relieve your anxieties about allowing these negative conditions to exist.
You are sympathetic toward the oppressed, understanding of the emotionally disturbed, and forgiving to those who seem guiltless in their transgressions against society.
You easily become distraught over conditions you are powerless to do anything about, and your feelings of guilt and failure can make you withdraw into a world that is safe from responsibility.
You should associate with people who have their feet on the ground to compensate for your aimless wandering temperament. There is a great need for your sympathetic understanding, and you do not have the right to turn down anyone who extends a hand for help. (honestly, this is something I feel strongly.. many people have told me I have a gift for advice/helping, and now I feel it my duty to help.. which I would do anyway .. not out of duty.. but .. as it goes on to say.. things get problematic not knowing the best time to let go)
Sun in the Second House
The Sun was found in the second house at the time of your birth. This position makes financial matters - and the act of physical conquest and possession - the central motivation of your existence. (Ouch I hope not, but it could be very true.. why I strive so hard toward certain areas of study.. specifically, neurology)
It is virtually a necessity that you address yourself to gaining material security. The obligations of giving still exist for you as a real difficulty which you must learn to deal with.
You should enjoy your own wealth and also instruct yourself in the art of giving. You wish to be respected in financial matters and like to be regarded as a person who is self- sufficient.
There exists a great amount of faith in your abilities; you believe that no matter what happens, you will always endure financially. These influences of the Sun grant strong possibilities for success in life.
Your weaknesses in money include a tendency to be very demonstrative, a desire for money because of the power it wields. As you reach mature age, the doors of opportunity will open for you through persons highly placed in government. Don't miss the chance.
Moon in the Third House
The Moon appears in the third house at the time of your birth Your intellect is very sensitive to external events always changing and adjusting to the situation.
Memory is strong and of a pictorial nature. (Definitely true.. which is why I think I perform well in psychology... looots of memory.. and why my friends laugh at my notebooks.. pictures next to things, and different colors on every page..) The mind, however, is liable to become too subjective and shallow with an overemphasis on superficial learning and with little practical use or lacking in intellectual sensibility. (Often feel this way.. "superficial learning"..) On the favorable side, there exists a vast reservoir of creativity which could be successfully applied to such pursuits as writing and poetry. Physically, the Moon will give you an intensely active life full of changes, mobility and fluctuations.
The demands of this position are simple: exert yourself in acquiring better control of your unstable and persistent imagination, increasing, thereby, powers of concentration and you will find delightful improvements not only at a mental level, but also in the ability to communicate with others more realistically.
Saturn in the Eleventh House
Saturn was found in the eleventh house at the time of birth. Psychologically, this denotes a rather hidden and limited view of your personal ambitions, your friendships, and of your future. You're very ambitious, cautious, just, patient, responsible, but perhaps, too serious.
You're an individual with few friends and even there you may find that some of them will assist you with advice rather than with actual help in times of peril.
(I'd say I have many friends.. but only a few who really really get me and who I know I will always find myself coming back to in life)
This is all. Time to go home.