Sullen v.5




Thursday, May 05, 2005

I can't sleep. Heh. I guess sleeping until noon today (making up for sleep) may be the result of this 5 a.m.-er .. man I'm just thinking a lot too. It's really not a good time to be posting when I'm delirious and 'thinking'.. ha.. two bad combinations.. leads to a loosening of associations.

"so this is where we are
and this is all that life has got to give
maybe all that's left is just to live"

love this song that's on..

yawn. .. I'm so happy that I took this week off from work.. definitely a smart move before I start working full time soon, and then I'll be leaving for home shortly thereafter. There's only a few people still here, because several left early. So it's just the guys and I for a little while.. haha, makes for interesting times I guess, even though they've pretty much been the only people I've hung out with since being here.. *deleted* anyway. I've had recurring issues with a particular person, where *I'm* constantly forgiving of stupid things ... and tonight I made a discovery that -really- pissed me off.. sucks man... I try to have such faith that people who *seem* like they should be nice people and not deceive me.. but no, only to find that they have let me down in some huge way... it just gets old.. god. and I especially hate it because these type of people make it so difficult for me to interact with other 'people' (let's be honest, particularly guys) who may be of an interest to me beyond friends.. I just have major issues with trust.. and it's something I've tried to work on, but man.. I've been burnt in pretty odd ways that I really don't see coming. . literally, I have opportunity to reciprocate flirtation all of the time.. and the few that I do, recurring crappy things start turning up that make me wonder 'what the hell was I thinking??', and yet I'd probably keep trying to have faith that they've learned and aren't stupid enough to keep disappointing me in unnecessary ways. anyway. so I've come to this conclusion: maybe I need to be more interactive in letting those *other* people I'm interested in -knooow-.. haha.. (I know, I'm acting like this is some sort of catharsis..), because otherwise, sure there are people I may be interested in who are also interested.. but if anything happens, they're usually the ones bold enough to just come right out and make it *completely* obvious and generally tend to be bad news. blah. but this isn't a good conclusion either because that's just how I am.. I hate being obviously flirty, and even if they are flirty and I'm interested.. a lot of times I still won't reciprocate interest.. blah... I just have such little faith in guys' intentions, and honestly, it's probably legit. Guys have frickin' weird egos they need to fulfill sometimes, and I just don't want to be any part of that... honestly. That's a terrible call for me to make about guys 'in general', but I think it's somewhat legit after hanging out with them exclusively for a while and really seeing how they think.

wow. forget it. it's stupidly late now. goodnight.