Sullen v.5



Change of Plans

Thursday, May 26, 2005

(longest post ever..)

"You're so impressionable, I love it!"
Said to me by my good friend Cait when she discovered I did a little tweaking to my flight plans. I don't know if I like the word 'impressionable'.. maybe spontaneous?.. yes a little impressionable... and I could hardly believe I made the changes last night while standing in the Maryland Mall (where two stabbings were apparently going down during the exact time I was there.. scary.. I found out about it later on the news).

Am I *ever* going to leave DC??

It seems like my time here is continuously becoming extended. This last-minute tweak was made possible by the week delay they decided to do for my job training, and the fact that it only cost me $15.00 to change my ticket (a big difference in the $100+ they originally quoted, and both they and I were shocked to realize the fees "actually didn't apply" to my ticket!).

It's funny because Cait and other friends were originally begging me to *NOT* go to DC (she came up with some pretty good reasons why I shouldn't go, but I did anyway), and now she's (and other friends) begging me to stay longer.. I tell them "no -- it's not possible".. and they just won't let it go!.. I think she's figured out that if you talk to me long enough about something, and if I don't have my mind made up, I'm definitely susceptible to persuasion.. given good reasoning to be persuaded.

I'm excited because I only extended my visit long enough to go to Cait's lake house with a ton of people over Memorial weekend (and it's supposed to be BEAUTIFUL weather this weekend!). I'm leaving the day after this (tuesday), despite another friend telling me I should change my ticket to stay THE ENTIRE FOLLOWING week since she discovered my training doesn't start until the 6th. I'm flattered that I'm considered "the best 5th roommate ever" (according to one of the girl's b/f?) and a growing-good-friend says I need to stay because I "make things livelier" ??? haha.. that made me laugh. Seriously.. I'm goofy and whatever.. but I must say how overwhelmingly flattered I am by people's apparent hospitality/friendliness. . frankly I don't understand it. Heh.. I guess I never feel deserving of people thinking highly of me.. I don't know why.. I can't say I don't *like* it, but I don't know how to accept it? Again this isn't new to the journal.. a pattern that I've definitely noticed throughout my blogging. I don't know if it's a self-confidence issue or not, because God knows I have a lot of confidence sometimes boardering on arrogance (but if it's boardering on arrogance.. that MUST be a self-confidence issue.. hm.. because there would be no reason to be arrogant otherwise?.. then again, I can't deny that I have a lot to be proud of.. so it doesn't seem fair to be considered arrogant when I only can talk about numerous legitimate accomplishments because they exist... maybe it's a modesty issue?? ahhh forget it).

It's really amazing how I've changed since being in DC.. I often wonder if this is a termporay thing or if I'll slide back to past-tendencies (such as becoming completely absorbed in work), but I've felt on top of the world for a good amount of time now. I'm more confident all-around, and I think it must show. A couple of good friends have noted how I've changed too, and they say "in a good way." I've really reached a point of 'equilibrium,' on the terms of the definition that I read in a fellow-blogger's post.

But no.. nonono.. I am _not_ extending this trip any longer despite only another $15.00! I just feel like I need to get back.. I am coming home on the *31st* and THAT is finallll. A good friend of mine back home recently e-mailed too, and I'm definitely eager to catch up. So yeah.. I need some time to myself & catching up w/ old friends before I start work again.. and before my best friend Michelle arrives since I will be working and then probably hanging out with her afterwards.. thereby restricting some of my time with others... but I'm not complaining! haha.. I am soooo happy Michelle is coming to visit!! So excited! :) It's been too long since I've seen my best friend, and we're definitely going to make the most of her trip by going back to all of our wonderful childhood memories: campus living, Lake Mary, Sedona, Grand Canyon... .. I don't know.. we're making a list. :P

Wow.. so I don't know.. there are so many other random things that are exciting and/or scary for me right now (haha.. why is it when I get excited about something I also get scared/nervous??).. ahhh.

Coming back to this later...
being treated to lunch by the higher-ups.. i.e. supervisors. My final day of work: tomorrow!

Sooo the rest of this is going to be a people-updates-of-sorts-post.

Randomness, but I thought it was sweet that a friend/research partner at the uv. I attended in DC wrote me:
"Subject: Yooooooooo
Message: hey, i feel terrible that i did not say goodbye to you. you have been a very efficient (and odd word choice, but then again it's me) friend to me and i will miss you dearly. if i come near the west coast i will look you up. hope all is well and enjoy your summer. keep in touch."

I love it when people make little efforts to keep in touch. I'm generally terrible about doing such things, but when they do.. I usually write back more than necessary. :P Haha.. yeeah.. he was a former crush-interest (I recall writing about it in this journal upon first meeting him), but that was before I discovered he had a g/f.. so.. from there I made myself have no more crush. :) Cool dude though.. fo' sho'. He made me laugh the most when we had our 2nd huge exam in neuro. and he muttered "Sweet Jesus.." when the professor walked in with the exams. It was so funny because I think it was just so appropriate for how we were all feeling at the time... freakeeeed out.


Went out to a nice restaurant with my good friend the other day. . he treated which was very nice (and he's feeling much better now). We ended up having some pretty intense conversation (not that unusual between us). It was kinda heavy stuff though, and while I enjoy talking about it because I don't generally talk about it with other people, the topics brought some tensions that I have been trying to block out of my mind (career, family, marriage, school..) One thing which struck me as good genuine critique, and so I appreciated it that much more for the blunt honesty, was when he said, "I think it's almost selfish to *not* pursue the higher medical degree if you have the intelligence to do-so" ... I think it is a good point.. because I've been speaking more about becoming a Physician Assistant and specializing in neurology rather than becoming *the* physician. Why take this path? 1) It is generally a 2-yr. program and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel (versus becoming a physician = 6 yrs. PhD + 3 yrs. of residency = 9 yrs before practice!!) 2) I *don't* want all of the responsibilities of a physician: i.e. setting up a practice, insurance, on-call, never home.. etc. 3) I still want to be able to do what I would love to do (diagnosis, prescribing treatment, research, etc) 4) 90+k (assuming I make the higher 10 percent bracket for PA pay, which I'm confident I could do..) is enough money for me. I'd be willing to make 90k a year and NOT have to go through 7 extra yrs. of education + debt to make 100+k... doctors don't make what they used to anymore anyway.. too much liability now. It's generally not considered worth it to pursue a MD degree unless you are *that* passionate about your career goal.

So as much as it may seem "selfish" to not pursue the MD if I have the capability to rise to the occasion, I honestly am more interested in living a *happy* life... one not filled with 7+ more years of stressful exams. He also brought up the point that he thinks I'll get bored not taking the more challenging route.. which is a valid argument too.. and I can see how he'd be right, but I honestly am just not interested any longer in the stress related with school. Haha.. he's going to Pepp* law school now... good grief.. I hope he enjoys it. After reading "One L" (a book he recommended), man, I don't think I could handle that type of work again. Business Law was enough hell for me as a FRESHMAN. Man. Looking back it's insane the classes I accidentally found myself in.. bypassing all 3 yrs. of business school generally required before that law class. Ack.. it was hell, only 3 exams.. and I managed to get out with a B... but it was terrifying.. biggest book (and most expensive) I ever bought .. and I recall Der* coming to visit one weekend before I had an upcoming exam. I'm not sure he understood at the time what I was up against.. and so he couldn't reallly sympathize with the hell I had to face (instead it *seemed* like I was just too into my studies to hangout)... read "One L" and you'll understand. Torts.. Contracts... Partnerships.. Corporations.. "Promissory Estoppel"... etc. etc. it's all in there. I had an amazing professor which made the class very interesting, but man.. I'll never forget the time I walked out of a huge exam feeling like I had done awesome only to realize later that I had "fell for the trap" and came out with a B- on a 20% exam (20% first exam, 30% 2nd exam, 50% final.. that was the breakdown). It's like 10 pages of case analysis and writing.. ahhh the madness.. that and competing against more experienced juniors and seniors wasn't fun. Maybe I'll find myself in law again some day, but I doubt it. I had my taste.. interesting but gruelling and unforgiving.. and doesn't allow as much 'creativity' as I would like. A lot is based on the "common law" concept.

Anyway. It was a good conversation that definitely made me think more about what I need to be thinking about for my future...

Generally I've decided that I want to live a satisfying life, but not necessarily the most luxurious. I want to find someone that I can live my life happily with and use all of the money we make to see the wonders of this world (haha... seriously.. whoever/if I marry is gonna have to be up for adventure). A job as a PA also allows you to move freely, and they actually pay you a lot to move temporarily during the summer and work for certain hospitals. Like.. they'll say.. "Come to Miami, Florida and we'll give you benefits + higher pay for the summer!" .. and then you can go back to whatever practice is located to the place you call 'home'.. so it allows you to experience different places for a little while but always have the option to go back from where you were. This is what my mom tells me a lot of PAs do at the hospital where she works. It's kind of funny because my mom told me a long time ago that she thought I'd make a good PA and that it was a great job, but I toootally brushed her off and told her not to suggest anything to me because my mind wasn't open to it.. and here I am some-years-later heeding her advice.
All I know is that I'm not interested in being in school for the rest of my life.. I don't want any more debt.. but I do need a program to advance in a career beyond anything that can be offered to me with a BA in psych. You just don't get the best jobs with any sort of BA unless you are compsci, engineer.. etc. And even then, you better have a lot of skill/experience before those jobs will hire you straight out of college.


What else. Ah. I won't be hanging out with Davi* this week afterall.. too many complications between both of us being very busy.. and in some ways I'm thankful. I had a long chat with my becoming-good-friend last night, and she told me that I shouldn't see him again since I was moving and since I *don't* consider him as some sort of "fun fling." She said what I've already been thinking for a while: it would just be too hard/confusing to continue down this path. I'm leaving... maannn.. but like I told her: it just doesn't seem fair that I'm always having to put off my interest in a relationship because of this inevitable moving factor.

I'm alwaaays moving and it's alwaaays getting in the way. I was kinda pissed at God today, to be honest... when Davi* called (right on time) and informed me that unfortunately he had to be with his relatives tonight who I knew were coming in for memorial day.. but he asked for my e-mail/aim... I'm sure we'll be in touch.
The situation sucks.. I was just thinking, "man.. God.. couldn't you have had me meet him like 3 months ago?.. why NOW right before I'm leaving??" ..
but whatever... meh... honestly.. there was a very interesting connection between us (which is why I was completely surprised when I didn't hear from him immediately after hanging out a certain time.. but it makes sense now that I've noticed he's very purposeful about when he calls).. and yeah it's just really not meant to be right now. Frankly I've been freaked out about the situation this whole time .. because of the high interest I had ... so this is for the better. Not necessarily what I *want*, but for the better somehow. :/