Sullen v.5



a little confused.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Tin* is visiting and I'm hardly spending any time with her; HOWEVER, this is not due to the fact that I don't want to, but Ste*, for some peculiar reason, has completely taken control of what Tin* is going to do while she's here and who she's going to do it with. This isn't to say if I really tried hard I couldn't be doing 'whatever things', but Ste* just gives off this weird I-don't-share-friends vibe.. so rather than argue about what she wants to do while Tin is here (or feel like I'm 'intruding'), I just kind of fade into the background and say f!@# it then (excuse my language). Last night, for example, I had to go to work so I said I'd catch up with them later and we'd all have a nice dinner together or something .. after shopping all day, Ste* tells Tin* she thinks it would be nice just to make dinner at our place and watch a movie (after I call and ask what they're up to). So they come back, Ste* being the cook.. makes dinner for every one of her other friends (who are also kind of my mutual friends) except me??.. maybe I'm just totally blowing this out of context and it's my problem that I'm not more clear about my intentions to hang out with them.. but dude, when I get the least feeling of un-welcomeness.. I'm outta there. So my other roomie and two other of my friends come by and ask if I'm going to dinner with them - well I wasn't planning on it, but seeing how hanging out with Tin* and the rest of my friends is oddly going down the toilet - I might as well.. so I go to dinner for my other friend's birthday and that's a lot of fun and whatnot. "Friends" (who kind of excluded me at the dinner last night with Tin at our place) had been asking me all week if I was going to Mexico with them.. and I said I'd like to.. so was planning on that.. STE* then tells me near the end of the week.. "well, yeah, you can go, but as of now the car is packed".. so again.. !@#$ it I don't need to go. Tin* shakes me and wakes me up this morning asking if I want to go to Mexico with them "in 10 minutes"... I say.. "Ste* told me the car was full." .. someone apparently can't go (the person I knew wasn't going to be able to go).. and great, now I can be the alternative.. again.. no, just !@#$ it. I appreciate that Tin came and woke me up to invite me (and I'm sure the others would actually like me to go too-- don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they hate me.. except maybe Ste*, I don't know what the deal is with her). I didn't do any of my homework ahead of time since I basically decided not to go, so.. no chance I'm going now with three papers to write and two midterms coming up.

What boggles me is that Ste* and I were getting along awesomely-lately (word?), but lately, since Tin* has got here... she's just really pissing me off.

Anyway. I wrote a long post last night that I deleted.. because it was a similar venting-mad-as-hell post (but different topic)..

lately there's just a lot of pent up things and I really really really want to get the heck away from this place and go home. And this isn't just me, but a lot of my other friends too (ironically the ones who went overseas with me). It's kind of funny too how Derek just wants to get away, while I just want to go back. I want to find that place where I'm really honestly happy.. I think, of course, everyone wants this. It's sad how so much of our lives is spent trying to find where/what that is.. but I guess part of the process for some people. Some people find their calling early-on, like Jason seems to be pretty content with where he's going and what he's doing.. and I think that's awesome.. but me.. I don't know.. lately I just feel pretty lost.