Sullen v.5



I like shooting myself in the foot.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Not really. But yes, I *completely* went against my work ethic tonight to go to the Laugh Factory.. and you know what, although this could be considered a disastor-move, considering what I have upcoming, I just felt it was the right thing to do at the time (sporatic, but ok).. because lately.. (it could be just because I'm reading about it for a huge test I have on monday regarding depression, suicide, and schizophrenia) I've been feeling pretty 'depressed.' While it could be from the reading, a large part of it was due to the fact about that one test (which makes me real how important achievement really is to me, even if I've denied it in the past).. I've been pretty torn up about it, and still am, where it's constantly on my mind... it's just not like me to go into a test, sitting down, and feeling like a complete fool.. and when it happens, I lose my cool and go into a panic.. and afterward.. it's just a miserable feeling.. which is why, I understand now why I work really hard.. because I hate this feeling.

My mom really brought me back down to earth though.. just making me realize.. you know, if I get one C (or more) in my life... I'm still going to be accepted to graduate schools (albeit maybe not my favorite ones.. which sucks in my opinion).. and that I don't need to go on to any "Uber-Ivy-League" to be successful.. and that I really do put too much pressure on myself. So I feel.. yeah I want to do well, but not at the expense of living. I could excuse super-hard-work for 'yeah but I'll be *really living* after I graduate.. then it'll be good times..' ... but why not now?

So, bearing in mind I have three papers to write by wednesday.. and two midterms to take (one on monday, one on wednesday).. I went to the Laugh Factory with Mik* and some of his friends that I only knew through a volunteer-thing they were hosting the other day (where they were hilarious).. so I thought it would be an awesome opportunity to meet these guys too. And I'm happy I went. :) LAUGHING.. man.. what a way to relieve tension and just get rid of your worries for a while without having to get drunk or anything.. it was perfect.

Now I'm back to the harsh reality of what's ahead of me, but it's so important to maintain and create relationships with people (learning this through studying too) to be a healthy person.. it's just been proven through so many studies.. lol, and this isn't why I actually go.. but I mean, I guess I'm just trying to legitimize why tonight was a really good thing despite not-really-knowing how I'm going to get by this upcoming week.