Sullen v.5




Friday, November 05, 2004

In the mail today I received my acceptance letter to study with Pepp* with the Washington D.C. program. I'm thinking.. yes, accept - so I can go protest come-time inauguration (just-kidding).

I have to confirm my acceptance by the end of next week. Hum. Is-this-what-I-really-want. Is-this-what-I-should-be-doing.

I wish I would have received the confirmation whether or not I have been accepted into the advanced research seminar for next semester. I missed the due-date for the application on that, and I had a last-minute-realization that I might not go to D.C., and if I don't, I wanted a backup.. luckily the division chair gave me an extra day since I was attempting to get the app. the day it was due, but no one was to be found in the division who could give it to me. Anyway. Point being I was supposed to receive confirmation for that today. Maybe it's a bad sign that I didn't.. maybe this is really confirmation that I should indeed be going to Washington D.C.. . I guess I should definitely by monday.

Gosh. I can't wait until after wednesday. These two weeks have been hell. Last week, and tbis upcoming week. Cola has written and says she plans to come out and visit (with other friends) on this upcoming wednesday! Excited! I hope it works out, she's never been here... and speaking of Cola.. I don't think I've told her about this Washington D.C. thing. lol. My friends think I'm crazy. I'm never staying in one place.. always running off.. doing something. I don't know what it is about me. Half the time I wonder if I'm scared of something.. I wonder if I'm running to find a 'place' in this world.. I wonder if I'm running due to ambition.. I wonder what my motivation is, essentially.. and stupid that I really couldn't tell someone why. Similarly-related..I was thinking today how sad it is that I'm really awesome at destroying relationships (dating-speaking - mainly thinking about when Ch* visited.. with *friends* I really make an effort and care to hold on to them forever). And I wonder, with that, again.. what my motivation is. Almost all of the questions (above) apply to my thoughts here too.
I know that one thing I really do care about is doing things 'right', and by that, I mean I hate doing things half-ass. The way I see it.. if your're going to do anything.. it should be done with all of your heart. This is why I panic when I go into a test not knowing as much as I feel I should.. I don't feel like I can honestly portray anything to someone unless I have a really good handle on the issue. This is why I've decided to end my computer science minor. Granted it's incredibly challenging, but I don't think it's something I couldn't handle if I really wanted to.. I'm just finding I can't pour as much as myself into psychology as a result.. again, half-assing my own major.. not allowing me to dive right in.. and I want to swim right into the deep end, but these other things keep holding me back.. so I'm cutting back in the hope that I have more time for things... .. including relationships. Time is a huge issue when it comes to this. I don't believe in leading someone on if I'm not ready to really dedicate a good effort to developing and maintaining a relationship with them.. any person in a relationship deserves that from whoever they're with.. and as much as I see people in relationships, I'm not sure a lot of them have 'quality' relationships? Half of them always seem to be in distress about it, but, I don't know, I guess that's expected sometimes in any relationship... .. so.. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.. lol.. I'm just lost in delirious thought right now.. basta