Sullen v.5




Tuesday, October 12, 2004

She said it just right.

"Maybe absence does do that thing with the heart, whatever that thing is that makes you feel more for a person when they’re gone than when they’re near you. Distance becomes the catalyst for longing, even if it’s for something you may find you actually don’t need or want when it’s suddenly right next to you. Feelings are embellished by rosy memories of things once insignificant and you begin to believe they prove everything was meant to be, that it was fated. The way he stirred his drink that day: fated. The way he whispered your name that time: fated."

I don't believe this to be the case with everyone, but it happens to be my case with Ch*. *SIGH* Truth is, I don't think I could feel any-more repelled from Ch* than I feel now. Maybe I'm just a hard-colded bitch (excuse the terminology, but this is me extremely frustrated by not really understanding anything at this point), and the minute the mystery starts to fade about a person's interest, I lose interest -and quickly... not only quickly, but I get to the point of feeling disgusted!
BUT.. maybe the problem is, too, that the guys I run into.. that I am *positive* have.. eh, some 'interest' in me.. they're the type who are verging-stalker .. blah.. that's crap to some extent, but (my sister will say this too, she thinks it's funny.. but I know I'm not making this up in my mind as a result of her own perspective) in my history with 'interested' guys.. a good majority are like that.
But.. then again... how could a good majority not be like that when I'm so careful to not mix lines between friendship and 'relationship'-beyond. Ha, naturally 'interested' guys, in that case, are going to have to be verging stalker for me to get a hint.. otherwise, I assume myself "in the dark" about the situation.. and am careful to not make any assumptions.

Heh. And I really feel there's some crazy underlining psychology to this (regarding my own ability in feeling comfortable with committing to a person).. that I feel I should get checked out because it really does interfere with my ability to involve myself in a relationship... and there are reasons like.. 'yes yes..I just have standards.. high standards.. that's all' .. which I DO.. but I think there's more to it also.

Another 'friend' (omition because, for whatever reason, I feel I owe him the respect of leaving his name out in this case?), became upset with me the other night because of this 'issue' of mine. He's been fairly.. obsessed.. ugh, sounds so embarrassingly egotistical, but really true and I can't think of a better word.. and the other night he pretty much straight-up told me he can't take it anymore (this after... a -long- time) and that he's finally going to let go.. which I think is really really great for both him and I because I've been trying to convince him of this for a while.. but my persuasion to drop it hadn't worked because he knows my 'issue' and thus thought he could change me?... but seriously, it is an issue and I made it clear from the beginning what he was attempting to battle.
--- : there's no point in trying to curb you on's irrelevent, to even hope, why set myself up to be destroyed like that?
--- : it feels like it's something i shouldn't ever give up on, i shouldn't have to, but I have no other choice.
--- : i'm not looking for much, expression is enough...but if i allow myself to feel this way don't you think i'm just hoping for a someday that might never happen? and if i keep feeling this way that's like on a crash course if that's the case.
--- : i don't feel hopeless, I feel like i'd rather not take another blow.
--- : anytime soon.
Lin : yeah.... well I've been saying that too..
--- : funny, it seems like the one person I need this time is the one person I just can't use...
Lin : .. :(
Lin : well *sigh* I have to go
--- : i don't know how you'd ever possibly feel inaduquet...if i say you're enough that's all there is to it.

blah :( I've dealt with this for too many years. I feel like I made a critical discovery in a post I recently wrote (something I kind of already understood that I deal with, but not to the extent that I've started to recently see the expanse of the role it has played in my life). . About 'running away'/avoidance as a result of being hypersensitive to emotional pain.. and yet when I do encounter emotional pain, I tend to be resilient and bounce back quickly. It's a really personal history of mine, that I've dealt with, but no secret to this journal either. Suffice to say I feel it's fair to say I grew up with my share of emotional trauma, and I'm only now really beginning to see the expanse of the effects this has had on me as a person. How could I have really assessed myself, previously, without a pattern to work with? There is a history/pattern involved with my behavior now (just barely visible), and it's making some things painfully evident. Relationships were practically my forte in the younger years of my life, but I realize now that as I grew into some of the most important years of my life (mostly late adolescence - where a good majority of identity/self-concept formation takes place) the emotionally traumatizing arguments also were occurring. I know this to be a problem, too, because my subconscious tells me about it in my dreams (occassionally when I do dream, which isn't often, and only in certain places) - even if I feel I'm over it.. 'people' (leaving completely open and vague) who I don't feel I hold grudges against because things feel resolved now.. are in my dreams - hellbent on hurting.

This isn't a post to cry about my 'issue' either.. heh, it's not to say boo-hoo-me.. I know there are people who have situations 100xs worse than my own, in my perspective... everyone has their own unique history, and I'm betting a good amount of people would agree it hasn't been easy. I don't feel significantly dabilitated by this.. and perhaps it has made me a much more resilient person than I would naturally be without that history. I'd go as far to say my tolerance for stress is incredible.. in the fact that I push myself hard and really manage to keep my health in check (knock on wood). In some ways, my rocky history has made me the person I am today in a positive way (a little Type A? lol, but that's positive in my mind because I get a lot accomplished that is meaningful to me).. but in other ways, it's definitely hurt me.. and that just happens to be especially in the area of relationships. I actually talked to my parents this last summer - even brought up the dreams - I'm a believer in just getting out whatever is concerning me .. and they didn't seem incredibly concerned (probably not much they could do about it), but said they wouldn't feel opposed to me seeing a counselor if I wanted. I've seen a counselor once before, as a result of feeling overwhelmed in high school, but that was quickly dropped for the hilarious (sarcastic) reason that I couldn't make the counseling meeting because I was too busy (the very reason I was seeking counseling in the first place.. also was going just because I believe 'counseling' is great for even the healthiest-seeming-person.. nothing wrong with getting another perspective, and I actively welcome these things).


guess I have to think this one through a little more.. and what I plan to do about it.