Sullen v.5




Tuesday, October 26, 2004

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine whom I got to know better while attending the Italy program, and we were discussing how peculiar it is that at any point in time 'we' (humankind) never seem to be content with simply 'being'. Instead, even when young, we're always reaching to be something different - something idealized. And yet, when we finally find ourselves in that "idealized" position, we realize how very simple (and sometimes petty) our notion was of something to be idealized.

For example, here at work, I find it *so* weird to feel like I've come a long ways in my short life period. It's odd remembering very clearly when I was young and living on college campus housing with my parents. And in that little apartment, I had a large red book that I *loved*. I wish I could find this book, because .. lol.. I really invested a lot of time *scribbling* in it! Even back then, so young, I pretended to be some sort of important executive who had things to do (weird thinking about this now). Not directly consciously thinking *executive* of course, but I liked to pretend I had my own office, and an important job, and that red book ... scribbles = cursive (my friend helped me remember this is exactly what my scribbling was intended to be, because she apparently did the same thing when she was young).

Anyway. So now I'm here. I sit at a front desk, at a real job (2nd job aside from my other one right now) where I get paid, and I take important phone calls from people, I pass on messages to other members in the office, I create documents for financial records and whatever other special requests, record info/statistics .. and yet, it's just a job. lol. There is not any particular 'joy' in this for me, and yet this is what I spent so much time as a child daydreaming about.

Still, I can see how this all interrelated to my outlook on the course of a life (being a spiral). I suggested my perception of this to her, and she seemed to really see some logic in it (letting me know at a later date that she 'borrowed' the concept when having a discussion with another one of our mutual good friends). Basically, the things that were 'idealized' at any point in our lifetime, and acted upon, will eventually find themselves manifesting in some form over the course of a lifetime. Although these manifestations may not take the same form of the previous idealized, they still take form enough to effect the paths we take. Of course this concept isn't much different from "childhood priming", but it relates more to the events over an entire lifetime that will result as a consequence of decisions (and ultimately results in reinforcing character to become *complete*/unique at the end of the inner spiral -- note how the center is surrounded by loops that overlap but never come together -- because you can't go back in time).


"idealizations" are also culture-specific. Given the United States is an industrialized and individualized nation, it doesn't seem odd that both my friend and I coincidentally pretended to write in cursive when we were young. Nor does it seem odd that as children we "play[ed] school" (lol, and now we can't wait to get out). When "playing school" there was always an assigned role as a teacher (haha, my role), and then students (my sister, Michelle... and sometimes other acquaintances/friends at the time who I don't recall very well anymore) who would be given homework assignments.

haha. good times. And a bit surreal how I can remember (like it was yesterday)being told to "enjoy childhood while it lasts, because it goes by so quickly and you'll really miss it," and how at the time I really couldn't understand why so many people encouraged this. And a bit unnerving, now, how I can see exactly what they meant and why they said it.